An epiphany

After my post about being stuck in a rut yesterday, I decided that I really needed to take myself to task about the things that continue bother me.  There really is no point in complaining and never making any changes to the one thing I can change and that is MOI!!

A week or so ago, I borrowed this book from the library.

I tucked myself into bed a little earlier than usual last night and started to read.  When I got to this chapter I had an epiphany.

I love lists.  Why didn't I remember how much I love lists?  When I have a big occasion to prepare for, I make lists so that I don't forget things.  I write lists about which day I'll do something or even what food is going on what plate.  It helps me not to panic.  If I don't write it down, it's washing around in the grey matter and who knows where it will end up.  When it's on paper I feel in control and I have the great satisfaction of ticking of my list.  

So I think I'm going to set myself a challenge to make daily lists, weekly lists even monthly lists.  I'll find myself a pretty diary with lots of space for lists.  It will have to be big enough for everything I plan to do but small enough to have nearby so I can refer to it frequently.  Some days might have lists of housework chores, other days might list paint your toenails and epilate your legs.  I think I need something to motivate me and a list just might do it.  I always seem to have things rattling around in my head like, time to change the sheets, iron hubby's work shirts or make a batch of biscuits but they don't get done until absolutely necessary and I don't like that because then it feels like I have to do something rather than choosing to.  Does anyone understand what I mean?

I don't work outside the home and that makes me lazy.  If I chose to be nice to myself I could say that not working outside the home means I have lots of time and then never end up achieving anything.  It seems the busier you are, the more you get achieved.  O.k. so my December resolution is to buy a diary and use it.

In this delightful New Age themed book, I came across other chapters that rang true for me.

A dirty untidy house makes me GRUMPY!!  Get on then woman and clean it!!

I love a good bath.  I can't remember the last time I had a bath, showers yes, bath no.  A bath seems to be rather an indulgent thing to do, wouldn't you agree?  I mean who has an hour to sit in lovely warm water scented with relaxing bath oil, candles lit, a glass of something white or red and perhaps a book or magazine to read.  Or even more indulgent, just to close your eyes and think about nothing.  How is it that I can find more than an hour to catch up on blogs and write posts, yet I can't find time for a bath?  Worth thinking about isn't it?

This is another chapter that grabbed my attention, how much I treasure silence and the quiet.  One of the things I love about visiting my parent's and brother's farm in Western Australia is how quiet it is, especially at night.  The silence is so loud it's deafening.  I know that sounds a bit odd, but it really roars in my ears until I adjust which never takes very long at all I tell you.  When I'm lying in that big old fashioned bed late at night in the summer, the only noise I might hear is a cricket chirping outside.  Where I live on the outskirts of a large city, we are fortunate to have enough land that there is a slight buffer from too many noises from our neighbours.  Sometimes we are disturbed by possums dropping onto the roof and scampering (thundering) across our iron roof.  Sometimes they disturb us with their screeching, especially in spring.  Sometimes we hear Tawny Frogmouths and Southern Boobook owls.  Nature sounds are so much easier to tolerate than man made ones unless of course we are talking about Sulphur Crested Cockatoos. 

This chapter reaffirms that I am completely and utterly normal to need time just to be and not doing.  Many years ago I wrote in a journal to try and maintain some sanity.  The reoccurring theme in my writings was "I just want to be".  I was desperate just to stop and not have to think about anything.  The thought of just being might mean different things to different people.  For me it is about uninterrupted time by myself.  No distractions, no deadlines, no solving other peoples problems, just solitary time.

Well hasn't this been a rather self indulgent post?  Cathartic too.  I hope some of these ramblings may have been of help, at the very least give food for thought.  I have more chapters to read in this book and something tells me I will have more than one or two epiphanies.

I hope everyone has a lovely weekend doing what you need and want to do somewhere in amongst all the things that have to be done.

Anne  xx