Wednesday, 31 October 2012

Staying awake

This post is about a topic some of you may not feel comfortable reading or thinking about so please feel free to tune out now.

If you have been following my blog for a little while, you may know my Dad's health is failing.  He has pulmonary fibrosis and with each passing day he finds it harder to breathe even with the assistance of oxygen.  I call him everyday on the phone as he lives in Western Australia and I live in Victoria.  It's a wonderful thing to be able to do.

Today I heard my Dad's voice, a voice I've never heard before, a voice that was weak and tired, so very tired.  It was also the voice of inevitability that his time with us is not long.  We/I have known that he would be traveling down this road, a road that would be difficult for him to experience and his family to watch.  This morning he said soon it would be time for him to sleep.  I know he can't be with us forever, that is not the cycle of life but I want one more opportunity to see him as I am visiting my parents in a few weeks.  I told him I'd like to see him again and he said "I'll try and stay awake."

Oh how I've cried today.  The process of acceping his mortality, the sadness that goes with knowing that one day soon I will no longer be able to hear his voice, give him a hug, share a joke and tease him about drinking the left over mint sauce after a roast lamb dinner.

This post is not about me looking for sympathy, merely a need for me to express what's inside, acknowledging feelings, appreciating my Dad and what he means to me.  
 
So Dad, if you can manage it, stay awake just a little longer for me.
 
Little trouble  xx
 
 



10 comments:

Joyful said...

I'm touched by this post. I know loss and letting go. It can be so very hard to watch loved ones suffer and to see and let them slip away. I hope you get a chance to see your dad once more. xx

susan said...

Honey, I remember spending the last times with my Dad and being able to tell him that I loved him (something I had never done before) and he whispered that he loved me too, (again something that had never happened before). This is my best memory of him.
Spend every minute, every second of this precious time that you can with him, nothing else matters.
Sending much love your way,
Susan x

VintageVicki said...

These situations are hard - I know we've been down this route twice in recent years.

Sending you a hug across the cyber world xxx

BadPenny said...

Oh I do feel for you. I hope you can be with your father again even just to say goodnight x

So sad - sending love.

my4lilgirls said...

Hi Anne
I am sitting here not sure what to say but I am praying for you & your dad, that you will get all the time you need with him, that he will be with you for some time to come.
lots of love Karen x

Diana said...

Oh Anne, you know I have been down this same road all too recently. I pray that you get that time with him, it is so precious.

My heart is with you, please know that I am here to support you if I can. Lots of love to you all through this transition.

Claire said...

Hey Anne, if it's at all possible I wouldn't wait a few weeks to visit, I would go now....it's your dad.

Knowing that there will come a time when a parent is no longer around doesn't make it any easier to deal with......
I feel your sorrow Anne, but I also envy the wonderful relationship you obviously have with your dad......
It's something to be treasured for ever and no doubt there are so many memories.....love the mint sauce story, that's priceless......
I would be packing now Anne, I certainly hope you get to have some more time with him.

CLaire XX

Kathryn Vercillo said...

Sending warm thoughts your way ...

Kar said...

It is very hard seeing someone who is so dear to you go down this path. I went through it with my Dad in '03. Toughest thing I have had to deal with so far in my life. Just be thankful that you have been lucky enough to have him as your Dad and remember all those little and special things he has done for you through out your life. I hope you can get to him sooner than later. Make it happen whatever you do. Don't wait.

Hugs!

Annie @ knitsofacto said...

There is some solace isn't there in knowing that all of life is part of a cycle that culminates in death, but very little when the person concerned is one you hold so dear. I do hope you get to spend some time together in the coming weeks and hopefully months xxx